If you’ve been keeping updated with our pain series, you may have someone in mind that you have been worried about, maybe someone who’s given you a peek into their struggles managing pain, or maybe someone has recently opened up to you about some of their painful thoughts or feelings. Like many others in similar situations, a common question that pops up is “Now what?”
A pretty normal urge that sometimes follows someone opening up about their tough stuff would be to get all the deets. I get it and I love to ask questions as much as the next person, but this is not necessarily the time to be information-greedy. Don’t get me wrong, some people find it most helpful to share all of their “story,” but it’s case-by-case, and it is best to let the person sharing take the lead. In an effort to prepare you as best I can, I think there are a few good ways to approach the conversation.
If you are left wanting more, you can ask the person sharing if they feel comfortable with you asking them more about their experience. If they say yes, let them know/remind them often that if at any point during the conversation they are feeling drained, you can talk about something else or simply end the call/text and chat again later, no problem. This is on their terms, not yours.
They are likely going to be feeling out your preferences and your responses throughout the conversation and may forget to check-in with themselves about how they are feeling. Recently, I had a conversation with an old friend who wasn’t up-to-date on my pain stuff and I was giving her “the schpiel” (if you know, you know). After I finished, she asked how I was feeling having just shared all that information and I realized 1). Since I was physically feeling okay in that moment, I hadn’t checked in with myself about how I was doing emotionally re-living some of my not-so-fun recent past and 2). It felt so nice to be asked that question! It was like validation I wasn’t hoping for or expecting that communicated that the person truly cared about my overall well-being and that it wasn’t silly to sometimes find myself stuck in the pain, because it was tough enough for someone on the outside who hadn’t personally experienced it stop and ask how I was doing just talking about it.
*Quick note to prep “a listener:” While you are listening, give nonverbal cues often (if they can see you) like nodding and leaning forward, say things as small as “mm hmm” or “okay” frequently, all to show that you are engaged and following their story without projecting anything specific onto it or them. Chances are the person is working hard to methodically share their experience (the schpiel) without too much emotion as to not overwhelm you or themselves, so responding with things like “WHOA” or “OH MAN THAT STINKS” may not be as helpful (classic play therapy rule of thumb!). If you are a more advanced active listener, you can try and use the words (or something in the same wheelhouse) they used to describe the experience and repeat it back to them.
Example (Sharer): “I had to go from provider to provider and no one would take me seriously and I was hurting the whole time and just ugh.”
(Listener): Ugh, that sounds like it was really frustrating.
I’m telling you, works like magic every time.
Keep in mind that by asking if you can have more information, they could say no, and you need to be prepared to honor their feelings on the matter right then and there. If they say no, you can ask what might be helpful for them in the moment: a new topic, a funny distraction, listening to music together without much talking, switching from talking to texting (helps me sometimes, especially when I’m physically hurting), or maybe resuming the conversation at a later time.
I cannot stress this enough: Validate them either way. If they gave you all the details, let them know that it must be so *tough, *frustrating, *any feeling they mentioned or you got from them during their story, to go through or be going through X. Then thank them for sharing what they did and let them know you are always available to support them in whatever way they need.
If you are experiencing chronic pain, whether it’s nerve pain or everyday intrusive ideation, here are some of the Instagram accounts I follow to feel less alone and also laugh (the combination of both really hits my sweet spot)…I would highly recommend @chronicillnesshumor, @chronicallycranky, and @how.u.feeling. If you are not currently experiencing any physical or emotional pain, I am so genuinely happy for you and encourage you to take advantage of every moment.
I bet everyone knows someone that is in some sort of pain, so in order to prepare for these tough conversations you can also check out these accounts to get some quick insight into how it feels to hurt, framed with humor to make everyone more comfortable. You might even be able to recommend the accounts to someone in pain that might not be aware of the resource. Look at you, so knowledgeable, so empathic, so helpful – why haven’t they reached out to you sooner?! For the person communicating, a positive experience sharing pain causes a ripple effect of endorphins. For me, it’s a reminder that the voices in my head that kept me quiet and struggling alone are complete fiction because these conversations can go well and people will be receptive, and you will feel better. Who knows, it could ripple all the way to a blog series about experiencing, managing, and sharing pain with the whole internet (hypothetically speaking, of course)!