Hey again, Dr. J here. I know when I hear the words sharing is caring, I’m usually thinking that the caring is for others. However, when it comes to sharing tough thoughts, feelings, and lived experiences…I think it is very much about self-care. As I mentioned in my last blog, pain is experienced in different ways by everyone and is most definitely not something you should be carrying on your own. So how do you share these experiences with someone else?
The prep: If you are feeling ready to share your thoughts, feelings, or experiences of pain with someone else, I always suggest getting it out there first. Then you can check-in with yourself on how it feels to talk about these topics, what judgements you might have yourself, and what parts might be more difficult to share. There is not just one “right” way to do this. You can handwrite it, type it, even record yourself talking about it on your phone’s voice memo app. Once you do, reading or listening back can be quite cathartic. Once you’re done, you can also just store it somewhere hidden, rip it up, throw it out, delete it off your phone, whatever works for you. If you want to make sure there isn’t a record of the story at all, blast some music, get in the shower, and talk about it aloud to yourself while feeling the benefits of the warm water and nice smelling soap!
Don’t forget, this is your show. Just as we’ve previously discussed having permission to feel (see Blog #5) it is your right to set boundaries. Now, boundaries can be tricky for some people, especially if they aren’t used to others imposing them. But you got 99 problems and this ain’t one. It is something to think about before you have a sharing conversation with someone so that you are aware of your personal boundaries before, during, and after the talk. This way, you can clearly communicate them to others without having to use too much energy or brain space. I’ll give you a few personal examples:
The pre-personal boundary – Planning for the conversation: “I’m available on Sunday afternoon to talk and would love to plan on chatting then. I’ll let you know Sunday morning how I’m feeling and if I need the conversation to happen over text or just reschedule for another day so I have the day to rest.”
*Quick interruption here because as I was typing to rest even I felt it in my gut, so I’m wondering if someone else is feeling the same way. I know the pressure to be constantly doing things (see Blog #8) is a weight we all carry and that the idea of rest is often looked at as lazy or a waste of precious productive time. Well, I’m sticking it to the man (see Blog #1) and trying really hard to listen to my thoughts and my body when it needs to recharge and I encourage you to do the same!
Okay, you have made it to the middle of the conversation – woo hoo, you are doing great! Keep going (or as you’ll soon read, stop whenever you want)!
The during-personal boundary: Let’s say you are sharing and all the sudden you get the message from yourself that it’s too much right now OR someone starts asking you questions you aren’t feeling ready to answer in that moment. You could start your response with statements like:
· Hey, I’m feeling pretty drained…
· Talking about this always takes it out of me…
· I appreciate your interest in the details…
And finish your response with statements like:
· …so/but I’m going to talk about something else now so I can still enjoy your company.
· …so/but I’m going to go relax for a bit outside/on the couch, I’ll text you sometime soon.
*Quick interruption #2 here because as I was finishing the last response, I was thinking, I should end it with “I’ll text you later.” While I still think that “later” is a fairly vague time frame, some people might read and understand that as later that day. You don’t need any pressure to chat any time you aren’t feeling up to it and you surely do not need to be overthinking their reception and now expectation of when you are going to reach out again much less the aftermath of a miscommunication that leaves you feeling bad when that night has come and gone and you didn’t text them. Leave it open, give yourself options.
Here is your friendly reminder that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. I was just watching a clip of an Elizabeth Olsen interview when she mentioned that one of their family mottos is No is a complete sentence. How refreshing, timely, and needed. While the difficulties of using that single word to establish a boundary warrants its own post, I just wanted to acknowledge that no is a perfectly acceptable answer to use if you do not want to engage in further conversation, or conversation at all for that matter.
The after-personal boundary – After the conversation: This is honestly a little bit of everything I’ve already mentioned. If you’ve finished what you’ve prepared to say and want to answer questions, let them know. If you’ve finished and you want to keep talking about something different, let them know. If you’ve finished and want to go, let them know.
Now, this paragraph is tough to write because I don’t want to ever discourage anyone from talking about their tough stuff, but I’m all about transparency so…sometimes you might leave the conversation not feeling the way you hoped you would (i.e., relieved, supported, understood, happier, etc.). For some, having these conversations might lead to that physical or mental deep breath kind of feeling, for others the listener may not have made this the most helpful conversation. Every sharer and every listener are different, so if you try and it doesn’t feel like a success, I’m going to be a little pushy and encourage you try again, after you’ve taken whatever time and steps you need to get back to a place you feel comfortable to do so.
Take home message: You are doing great and just because you have these tips does not mean that you have a timeline within which you follow through on sharing your story. Stay tuned for next week’s blog where we will provide tips for the listener to facilitate the most successful share possible. If you have any questions or comments related to any of our blogs or have ideas for areas to expand upon within this series, or any other topic, feel free to leave a comment or reach out to us on social media @bfftherapy