Oh, hey! It has been a few months since my last blog post in a series focused mostly on communication: how to talk, how to listen, and why it’s all so important. I want to dedicate today’s post to the times when people in pain are quiet. I know in the past I have encouraged readers to respect requests from others for privacy about certain topics, while also encouraging people to share those experiences they are holding most private in an effort to feel supported. I’m talking more about the times when someone notices that they haven’t heard from a friend in a while or are feeling that conversations with that person are one-sided. The goal? Hopefully to validate those in pain and those in their lives that are feeling some sort of way about their communication with the aforementioned individuals.
I think I have pretty good manners and I’d like to think I’m well versed in interpersonal etiquette. I also highly value “my people” and know that reciprocity in communication is an important part of my relationships with them. But even though I know that if someone texts me, I should text back or if I’m thinking of someone, it’s nice to let them know, sometimes I literally just do not have what it takes. And I get it, “all it takes is one text,” but there is so much that can be wrapped up in one simple message. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
Reaching out to someone after a while might warrant a well-meaning but snarky response:
· Hey, where ya been stranger?
· Finally! I’ve been wondering where you were.
If a person is already in pain, whether it’s emotional and/or physical, a response like that is salt in the proverbial wound. Even if it is pretty clear it’s a joke, they still might be left wondering how much truth was behind the response.
The person receiving the text might take advantage of the window and try to engage in full-blown conversation:
· Fill me in on everything!
· I have to tell you about x, y & z!
It is important to remember that the texter might have been in a place to say “hey,” but that might be the extent of what they have to offer someone. Remember, each person only wakes up with so much energy to tackle the day-to-day stuff (chronic pain warriors sometimes refer to this energy as Spoons). Pain of any sort takes up a lot of that energy and a full-blown convo may not be on the agenda in terms of Spoon budgeting for the day.
Let’s say a person has saved up some Spoons and is in a place where they are ready to connect with someone and really catch up. The text is sent…and there’s no response. Hopefully this isn’t a full ghosting incident, but rather the person is just busy and texts back later. The problem? Later wasn’t part of the plan and the person who initiated the chat might not be as ready for the conversation later as they were earlier.
To the people stressing about how long it’s been since they’ve reached out, wondering if their people are upset, hoping no one has noticed and it’s not that big a deal, I say this:
· Cut yourself some slack. You are going through it, and ultimately you are the expert on how to get yourself through as unscathed as possible.
· Don’t be stubborn. No one should be going through tough stuff on their own.
· Reach out to your people. You chose them for a reason. Give them a chance to remind you why.
· You can’t read your friends’ minds, so you can’t just assume they are upset with you, or that the conversation won’t go well. The only way to find out how they feel and what’s the deal with your friendship is to say hey.
Now on the other hand, I get that it can be upsetting to feel ignored or wonder if you are valued as much as you value another when they are not acknowledging memorable events in your life or even simply checking in. Totally valid! I’d just like to provide a little perspective…
Take birthdays, for example. They are a big deal to a lot of people, celebrated in different ways throughout the lifetime. You’ve got parties and cake from the time you are a literal infant to middle/high school displays of popularity (what you guys didn’t have contests about who could accrue the most balloons on their special day too?!). With social media, do you even love the person if you don’t create a collage and publicly display your best wishes and affection for them on their big day?
The answer is yes, let that resonate with you.
I have a master calendar of birthdays because despite my excellent memory (self-declared after undergoing numerous assessments in my Neuropsych Class in Grad School) I cannot for the life of me keep track of all my family and friends’ birthdays. Even so, I have still let an important birthday pass by without acknowledgement because checking the master calendar falls low on my list of things to do on any given day. Honestly, on a tough day, I am not always sure of the actual date. Even the day of the week can lose importance when a person is literally trying to make it until “tomorrow,” no matter where in the week tomorrow happens to be.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret…this is totally normal! Don’t get down on yourself if you lose track of time or miss something, it happens to everyone. It’s important to be compassionate with yourself and others because you never quite know what someone else is going through.
Just because someone isn’t reaching out to tell you they smiled thinking about how much fun they had as coworkers or how cute the endless videos of your toddler they are watching are doesn’t mean those things aren’t happening and that they don’t love you and miss you.
To those waiting in silence wondering what’s up with the unread text messages, or worse the read messages that have gone unaddressed, a friendly reminder:
· Everyone gets overwhelmed with something at one time or another.
· Be patient with your people.
· When your patience has run thin, and it will, because that’s real life, gently reach out to let them know you miss them and want to dedicate some time to reconnect.
· Again, telepathy is hard to come by, so you can’t expect anyone to change their behavior based on a feeling you have unless you tell them what’s going on and how you’d like circumstances to change.
Moral of the story: Send the text. Doesn’t matter what side of the conversation you are on. Honestly, it doesn’t even have to be words…have you seen the Memes that are out there nowadays? HA!